only in portland: Archive

Apr 5th

Mar 27th

Defer and Refer →

No need for my blog anymore when I can sit back and watch comic genius.

Jan 21st

Extra Extra...it rains all the time here!

Average rainfall in Portland for the month of December = 5.17” Actual rainfall this December = 9.89” Only in Portland.

Jan 21st

One for you, two for me →

I’ll have to continue going to the New Seasons that shares it’s lot with Walgreen’s. Only in Portland.

Oct 18th

Half Dollar/Half Lettuce

Saw this on Facebook: Is anyone looking to sell a turntable/receiver/speakers? I don’t have a ton of money but I would be willing to do a half cash, half produce trade. Let me know! 4 minutes ago · Comment · Like Only in Portland.

Oct 16th

Move to a farm

We have a rat problem in our backyard. They’re big and they walk around in the middle of the day…while we’re out there playing. “Next door neighbor A” called an exterminator that put traps down. He was a real pro. Still have rats so we decided to buy some poison. Our neighbor’s in the duplex on the other side of the house both have cats…that come in our...

Aug 18th

Maybe you could use it to wash your fucking hair?

The other day at a work a customer left on the counter a plastic water bottle with probably 3 or 4 ounces of water in it. There was no cap on it. Throughout the night I went from not caring to being really annoyed by it. I couldn’t throw it away [I mean, recycle it] because I didn’t want to spill the water all over. I also kept inadvertently almost taking a sip out of it thinking it...

Jun 18th

Sweet!

Portland has set a record for most rainfall for the month of June (which is only half over). Only in Portland.

Jun 17th

Oh my Galosh!

I can’t believe it’s still raining. It’s June 9th and our total rainfall for the month is 3.32”. The monthly average is 1.59”. Another 3/4” and we’ll break the ALL-TIME record of 4.08 Here are some stats from KGW.com, news channel 8 in Portland, OR: Portland surpassed the record for most rain for May and June combined, with 7.83 inches since May 1. ...

Jun 9th

frankdufay asked: Why can I not comment or anything?

May 18th

Kill the coffee

I went to see a friend play music the other night at a place on E. Burnside and 9th or so. It’s a bookstore of some sort. The band was having problems with their power throughout the set and couldn’t figure out the deal. Mess with the amps, wiggle the guitar cord, remove some FX pedals, etc. Then, the lone employee says, “I guess I could unplug the coffee pot from the power...

May 11th

Mar 19th

Feb 23rd

Feb 20th

Better than sliced bread!

Holy shit…do you want to know what’s better than sliced bread? Unsliced bread! That’s right, you heard it here first. Just like everything else…something new comes around and everybody forgets about the original. All I know is with unsliced bread I am the controller of my food destiny. I can make my sandwich slices as thin as I want. I can get more late-night pieces of...

Feb 20th

Will Oregon be the first state to ban plastic...

Oh great…now I’m going to have to buy garbage bags?!? And where’s all the dog-shit going to go? I can’t wait to see somebody picking up their dog’s shit with a big paper bag. I’m going to invent a reusable, reversable, dog-shit glove. Here’s the aritcle: http://olcvblog.typepad.com/olcvblog/2007/07/will-oregon-be-.html Only in Portland. Really.

Feb 2nd

No Soliciting

I went to OMSI today so my daughter could play at the Science Playground. I usually hear the normal things…”use your words”…”do we need to say sorry?”, etc. But today, I heard the Gold Prize Winner. After a kid took a toy from another boy, the mother said, “You have to ask him if you can use that…don’t just take it. I’d also suggest...

Feb 2nd

A little dumb and too sensitive

I was spending some quality time with my lady the other night watching some Project Runway on Hulu or TV Shack or whatever. It was the first episode of the new season where all the new contestants are introduced. There was a girl from Portland on the show again. Her actions on the show within a 5 minute period perfectly describe the majority of people in this town. First thing…while...

Jan 25th

Polyethnic Cajun Slamgrass

Umm, I’ll pass. Really not much left to say. I’m so annoyed I can’t even type anything else. Only in Portland.

Jan 16th

Traditional Dentistry

I walked by this place today. When I see the word artisan, dentistry doesn’t fly into my head. Stuff like bread, furniture and other things made by hand do. The image of an artisan dentist just doesn’t bode well with me. I picture and older guy with calloused fingers and a yellow, pipe-stained beard with a thick, leather apron on, sitting on a little stool holding an 8-inch bastard...

Nov 5th

The-Man wich

Can’t stand all these sandwich shops around town that try to claim that they’re down to earth and standard (like the Arco commercials) when in reality it’s foodie central. First example is Bunk in SE on Belmont. The word bunk to me equals lame. Lame to me equals plain or simple. Simple food equals low cost and ingredients I can pronounce. I’m only going list one sandwich:...

Oct 21st

Whole eShit

This is a two-fer about Whole Foods: #1. I was a penny short ($5.23 instead of $5.24) and the bagger/cashier wouldn’t give me one. Whole Foods couldn’t spare a penny. #2. For those of you keeping up with my bagel goings-on I was able to eat my whole bagel and butter the other day while on line in the express lane. The one of six express lanes open at 6pm on a Thursday. Only in...

Oct 20th

Is this your money?

Somebody turned in a wallet at work the other day. They had found it on the floor. When the guy walked away I looked to see if there was any money in it. There was! The guy who found it didn’t take the money before he turned it in! Everybody knows if you lose your wallet you have no expectations of getting your money back. You just hope to get your credit cards and drivers license back so...

Oct 20th

TALLBIKES

andreaevans: REGARDING MY TALLBIKE DRAWING, INTUIT POSED THE QUESTION: HOW DO THEY STOP AT LIGHTS? THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION. PERSONALLY I’VE ALWAYS BEEN MORE CONCERNED WITH HOW THE HELL THEY GET ON THEM, WHICH HAS SINCE BEEN ANSWERED FOR ME (THEY BRACE THEMSELVES ON A STREET SIGN AND CLIMB UP). BUT THIS REALLY GOT ME THINKING. IT’S KIND OF A FUNDAMENTAL BIKE LAW THAT UNLESS YOU CAN PERFECT A...

Oct 14th

Please just move your car

I don’t get all the people that think once they’ve been in a car accident (fatal aside) that they can’t move their car an inch once they’ve been hit. Like they’re waiting for the FBI lab to come and dust for whatever and draw sketches and hold private interviews with the parties involved. And I don’t care what the fuck they’re blocking. This was on W....

Sep 29th

Can you help me move?

How about you dude? And you? And your roommate? And his girlfriend? And her coworker? And his family? Cool, I figure we’ll meet at my house at 9am. Oh, I’m not renting a truck…I thought we could all ride our bikes…down SE 12th Ave. Only in Portland.

Aug 3rd

Pack it in, pack it out

Went to my friends house the other day for their daughter’s birthday. They made cupcakes. Another guest asked where the garbage was…”we don’t have one”. NO GARBAGE I’m thinking they probably signed the “no plastic bag” petition. Only in Portland.

Jul 28th

Plastic Bag Ban

There was a guy outside of New Seasons on Division gathering signatures to put a ban on plastic bags in Portland. I was the only one that didn’t sign (also the only one without spandex or pants with legs that unzip to become shorts). See, I use those plastic bags for other things. I recycle them. I mainly use them as garbage bags for the trash cans in my house. If there weren’t plastic...

Jul 28th

re: Express Lanes

In regards to my previous post… I finally stole a bagel from Whole Foods. If there are no express lanes (out of a possible four) open at 6pm (when most people are shopping for food) than you don’t deserve my $.99. Case closed. Only in Portland.

Jul 7th

#1 or #2?

The Portland International Airport bathrooms offer a flushing option. If you take a piss, or #1 as they call it, you push the handle down which only uses a small amount of water. If you take a dump, or, you guessed it, a #2, then pull the handle up for more flushing power and water. So many issues with this. I wonder how many people accidentally do a #1 flush when they actual took a #2 dump. What...

Jul 7th

Saw blade manufacturers out of work

There’s a sign up 2 blocks from my house advertising “Naturally Fallen Firewood” for sale. I don’t really have much to say except every time I walk by it I imagine a bunch of people walking around the woods, picking up sticks, hoping that a big tree will fall so they can call it a day. What if a tree falls unnaturally? Or, what is the definition of unnaturally when it...

Jun 10th

Gandalf!

What the fuck is up with walking sticks in this town?!? I’ve seen three just today. Mostly the sticks are the hi-tech aluminum kind that are normally used for hiking not for walking to New Seasons. Speaking of which, I saw my first wooden walking staff at New Seasons. A man in his 60’s was using it. The thing was about as tall as him. I felt sorry for the guy…not for needing a...

May 21st

Express lane

I went to Whole Foods today to buy a cinnamon-raisin bagel. They have the neat slicer there and a bowl of room-temperature butter packets. I took a bite as I walked to the express lane. The “mellow” was running rampant at the checkout and I was actually able to eat my entire bagel before it was my turn to pay. I said, “one bagel”, put my 4 quarters down and left. I’m...

May 21st

Citizens arrest

Some guy shoplifted at the store I work at. Jeff ran out the front to catch him and I ran out the back. The guy vanished! He was nowhere to be seen. We headed back to work empty handed. 10 minutes later the phone rings. It’s a guy who says he was just driving by our store and saw what looked like somebody running out of our store with a bunch of stuff. He saw the shoplifter jump into a...

May 13th

Why are you talking to me?

I’m going to make a long story short and leave out all details… I honked at a car downtown yesterday and a pedestrian couple yelled at me. “Chill out!” said the blockhead followed by, ”Creep!” from his staunch girlfriend. Only in Portland.

May 13th

Less fingerless gloves please

This town loves a pair of fingerless gloves. I’d say 30% of all males own a pair. I’ve seen people walking down the street, on the bus, bagger/cashiers at New Seasons, baristas at the coffee shop, people browsing at the record store…what are they for exactly? Keeping your palm warm while enabling you to get the right key for your door? Or keeping your palm warm while typing? When...

Apr 27th

re: Craigslist regardings

Many times I’ll see things on Craigslist that annoy me…a job listing, an item for sale, musicians wanted, etc. What I don’t get is the other people who are also annoyed but feel they have to create an entirely new post about it. If you’re that heated why don’t you email the person that created the original post? Oh, right, because you’re really...

Apr 23rd

Burritos Anybody?

The other day at work I got a burrito craving so I asked some coworkers where I should go. The consensus was Cha Cha Cha. I’ve never been but apparently it’s cheap and pretty good. I headed down to NW Glisan and 12th to try it out. I walked in and noticed a group of 5 in front of me along with another guy waiting to place their order. Knowing how slow this town operates I called back...

Apr 18th

Foodie Stamps

Here’s an example of shit I see almost everyday. I was in Whole Foods on E. Burnside buying Lactaid for my 1 1/2 year old daughter who was sick with a cold (trying to reduce her mucus while still letting her enjoy her Bah-Bah). In front of me in line was an early 20’s hip kid with his lady. I had noticed them earlier because they were dressed pretty stylish and the dude had a pair...

Apr 16th

Bar Food

My friend Raze and his band, the Stalkers, were in town from Brooklyn playing a show at East End. I went to the East End website to see if it listed when the show began. I noticed they have a happy hour food menu. Cheeseburger and Fries for $4. Nice. I was a bit leary of the quality until I read in the description that it was a HAND FORMED cheeseburger. Thank god! Only in Portland.

Apr 13th

At first, I pretend I know everything

I went to my local hardware, Hankins True Value, to get some stainless steel for a Theremin antenna. I found a flat 4” x 6” piece plus a straw-shaped, 12” tube. Perfect! I just need to figure out how to join the two together and I’ll have an antenna that looks just like the type they show in the Theremin instructions. As I stare pondering how to join them, an employee asks...

Apr 13th

Lit checkout lanes

My girlfriend went to the new “eco” Fred Meyer on SE 39th and Hawthorne the other day. She noticed that the checkout lines no longer have the numbers that light up letting you know that the lane is open. Seems it’s too tacky these days. Plus, think of all the energy it saves! Yeah! About two hours later, while in Whole Foods on W. Burnside and 13th, I see 3 managers, or Team...

Apr 13th